"I seek not to know the answers, but to understand the questions." - Kwai Chang Caine
There's been a desire in me to find quiet, peaceful moments, and it's been difficult. Thing is, I've tried to fill my off-days with work. I've worked outside, and then inside. Housework never seems to end. But then, this is a big farm house. There's 5 rooms on the second floor--which we don't really use, but I hope to make them usable more than as a place to store things. We have a fix-it guy coming today to look at things that need fixing. This house doesn't belong to us, so we don't have to foot the bill, but we've had to wait for this time when we could ask for things, and a "real" fix-it man could come in and do all this stuff.
I needed to "fix" myself. It's more a part of my age, more than anything. I've had to slow down. Not do so much in one day that I'm exhausted, aching and in bad mood. My husband has had to tell me repeatedly to not do so much. Well, I finally took his advice.
I've been struggling with my writing. Have been looking for something else, something more to keep my mind busy, but I'm finding that wasn't the reason for my unrest. Mentally, I need to be active. But I also need to be physically active too. I dislike my job because I sit behind a wheel for however many hours I need to (that's only one reason I hate it, I have many reasons). I'm hoping to retire from that job, next year about this time.
That's a long way off, in my mind.
But I was seeing that I needed to calm my inner soul. Find myself again. I know who I am. My husband knows me better than anyone. But you seem to loose yourself somewhere along the way, the you that mattered, the you, deep inside. The one who could adjust to difficulties... and to be able to smile about something pleasant.
How it came about for me to "rediscover" myself came about in an indirect way.
I've been able to watch TV shows from the past, like "Murder, She Wrote", and it sort of pacified me... for a time. I think of Jessica Fletcher like a favorite aunt. I just wish she'd give my name to her publisher and agent. Ah, well...
I've also been able to watch "Kung Fu", a martial arts western drama, which aired in 1972 - 1974, with movies and such in 1986 and 1987.David Carradine played Kwai Chang Caine, a Shaolin monk/priest who had deep spiritual training, as well as martial arts. One thing I liked about his character, he wouldn't fight unless there was no other choice.
Master Kan: Avoid, rather than check. Check, rather than hurt. Hurt, rather than maim. Maim, rather than kill. For all life is precious, nor can any be replaced.
I remember the shows as I watch them now, more so than the MSW shows, which aired in the 90's. "Kung Fu" aired around the time I had graduated from high school and I totally got the philosophical teachings which came as memories to the adult Caine during whatever moment he is in.
Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Caine: No.
Po: Do you hear the grasshopper which is at your feet?
Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?
Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Caine: No.
Po: Do you hear the grasshopper which is at your feet?
Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?
Since being able to watch the shows, I've been finding more peace with myself. It was a peace similar to what I knew back when I was much younger. Things, like my philosophy, is coming back to me, the things I believe in, and, like a graceful Kung Fu move I avoid the negative.
I have finally been able to relax. Take life slower. I've also been able to go back to working on my writing. I'm not sure how one thing leads to another. But oddly, or not so odd, I've been working on the oldest manuscript I've kept over the years, originally named "Vampire Legacy". It has had many revisions since the 1982 writing of it. Last year (spring, I think) I revived it, pulled the bin out--there's at least a thousand printed pages, or more, different versions, and many scenes that had to be cut out. I worked on that up into November. I haven't touched it since--gave it time to ferment. It doesn't have an ending on it as yet, but it will.
Upon going through it this first time, I see I've made it seamless, which is a marvel in itself. The work is rewarding in itself, now that I see what I've done with it.
Going back in time, listening to old music we haven't heard in a long time (we made cassette tapes of our favorites, back when we first met, of John Denver, Neil Diamond, etc.), and that pulled some wonderful memories up too.
Is it good to retrieve your memories? Look into your past and try to regain that youth, ponder the mistakes but say to yourself, "I've learned so much"?
I leave you with one more quote from "Kung Fu"...
Caine: Is it good to seek the past, Master Po? Does it not rob the present?
Master Po: If a man dwells on the past, then he robs the present. But if a man ignores the past, he may rob the future. The seeds of our destiny are nurtured by the roots of our past.
